


The Fear of Female Sexuality (or The Queen of Swords and the High Priestess)

by sachspanner



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Biphobia, Bisexuality, Coming Out, Community: love bingo, Crack, F/F, Fangirls, Femslash, Language of Flowers, Tarot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-02
Updated: 2013-10-02
Packaged: 2017-12-28 03:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sachspanner/pseuds/sachspanner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When scholarship student Gwen finds herself in the oestrogen-infused world of an all-girls' boarding school, she is terrified at the thought that she might have stumbled upon a Dianic cult. Unfortunately for her confused libido, she hasn't, and has in fact found two lovely (if rebellious) girls called Gana and Mog.</p>
<p>Despite internalised biphobia, Gwen finds herself drawn to Morgana, a pop-culture quoting wildchild with a gift for occult tarot, whose cleavage makes her question everything she ever thought about herself. Meanwhile, their relationship is commented upon avidly by a gaggle of teenage fangirls, and one mysterious internet troll.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fear of Female Sexuality (or The Queen of Swords and the High Priestess)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the love_bingo comm on LJ, under the prompt "bisexuality".

Gwen earned her sixth-form scholarship with an essay describing men’s fears of female sexuality in literature. She had got the basic idea from  _A Room of One’s Own_ , but much of the content was her own original thought.

Ms. Nimueh, her form tutor and English teacher, had thus been very keen for her to come to Camelot Ladies’ College, and it seemed, to present her with a heavy load of additional reading upon her arrival.

New girls arrived a few days earlier than the rest of their peers, in order to familiarise themselves with their surroundings and not look too awe-struck when taking classes in a genuine 5th-century castle. Gwen had already been on open days, and while the school itself was incredible, it hadn’t really calmed her nerves about going to a single-sex school.

_“Reasons why I don’t date fat chicks”_ was the title of the poster pinned to one girl’s door. Another girl’s displayed the slogan “ _I’m not a lesbian, but my girlfriend is.”_ Gwen nearly missed the sticker reading _“Vagitarian”_ affixed to a ‘cello-case, but her double take made sure she got the message.

Two girls she’d met in the common room had certainly been more than friends, one curled up in the other’s lap. She also couldn’t help but notice a copy of _Imagine Me & You_ in the DVD rack.

She wasn’t homophobic. Well, she definitely thought she oughtn’t be homophobic. Still, to go from an environment where the only lesbian she knew was a terrifyingly short-tempered cliché with purple hair and facial piercings, into what seemed, from her nervous observations, to be a hotbed of Sapphic attraction… it made her uncomfortable.

On reflection, perhaps men weren’t the only ones afraid of female sexuality.

She didn’t think she was going to be jumped or anything ridiculous like that. She just had certain secrets which might not be able to stay that secret in an environment like that. Secrets she even managed to keep from herself most of the time.

But then there were the other times, the frustrated nights when memories of lean muscle and clean lines weren’t quite enough for her hungry imagination, and she turned instead to fantasies of rounded hips giving way to broad hipbones, narrow waists and soft chests, a nipple between her wanting lips…

When she was done, she would go to sleep and try not to think about it, pretend she had never enjoyed it, pretend she would never enjoy it in real life.

On other occasions, she would find herself watching the movement of another girl’s lips as she talked, thinking just how soft they looked and wondering what they’d feel like on her own. Then she’d look away, because she’d had boyfriends, so she definitely wasn’t a lesbian.

In Gwen’s mind, that was her choice, straight or gay. The media occasionally suggested a third option, but that was only for the enjoyment of attention whores and the unscrupulously promiscuous. Which she wasn’t. She was perfectly normal. She just worried about what this school might leave her open to.

So it was a relief to Gwen when she turned up for her induction weekend to find that the majority of other newbies were very _normal_ indeed.

Freya was in the room two doors down, and was an instant favourite.

‘This chest weighs a ton!’ she gasped, dragging a red-leather bound chest through her door.

‘See you went for the chest too,’ Gwen smiled, gesturing at the blue one blocking her own doorway.

‘This is going to seem mad, but- well, it’s just like _Harry Potter_ , isn’t it? Going off to boarding school. I couldn’t _not_ buy a chest.’

In addition to their standard uniform, the uniform stockists had provided them with an array of sporting equipment and luggage to choose from. Gwen had been delighted to find that her scholarship allowance would extend to not only a new hockey stick and shin-pads, but a magnificent looking and highly impractical chest.

‘Me neither,’ Gwen smiled back at Freya. ‘Did you want to investigate the other corridors later, after we’ve unpacked?’

‘Sure!’

They exchanged small talk as they hauled their belongings around their rooms. What sort of school had they been to last, what subjects they were taking, what they wanted to do at uni, that sort of thing. Freya turned out to be a potential vet, whereas Gwen was sticking with English Literature.

The other two new girls in Albion House were good fun too, and they had dinner together in the largely empty dining-room before descending to the TV room to watch a film.

_Mean Girls_ , Gwen knew, was a safe bet with most girls her age, and of course they had all seen it before, and of course they were all happy to see it again.

They spent the rest of the weekend meeting the girls in the other houses (Excalibur, Kilgarrah and Aithusa) along with some of their teachers for the next year. They visited the cinema to cry at _Anna Karenina_ , and despite, or perhaps _because_ Gwen knew what was coming, she stopped crying long after she had left the cinema and they had found themselves seats in Nando’s.

That night, Gwen hung out her uniform for the following morning, including her striped scarlet, white and navy tie marking her out as being in Albion House. Freya had been right; this was all just too much like _Harry Potter_. 

The street leading up to the main school was strung from top to bottom with girls of all ages, all dressed in bright red jumpers and grey skirts. The sixth-form girls had the option of trousers, but it was a humid day, and Gwen had opted for a skirt.

She had met Freya over toast in the dining-room. They weren’t in the same tutor group unfortunately, but were on the same floor, and so found their way through the heaving mass of scarlet to the second floor of the humanities block. 

Freya’s room had been right at the top of the stairs, so as Gwen scanned the corridor for room 221, she suddenly began to feel quite nervous. 

It was a plain wooden door, and with so much noise out in the corridor, it was impossible to make out any signs of life coming from inside. She turned the stiff door-handle and pushed her way into the room.

Compared with the amiable flurry of young women who had wandered around the streets of Camelot together all weekend, these were Valkyries. They were draped over desks, tables, cupboards. Two girls sitting on a high windowsill at the back of the room watched her enter the room while in deep discussion. They smiled predatorily, not at her, but more because of her. Gwen really hoped she was being paranoid about those two.

It occurred to her terrified mind, as she looked for somewhere to set her bag down, that they were probably lesbians, and that she ought to mind herself around them lest she give the wrong impression. 

She shook the paranoid thought from her mind and sat next to a pair of girls wearing the orange and black half-and-half ties of Kilgarrah House. 

Gwen learnt and instantly forgot so many names that day. She was physically and emotionally exhausted by quarter to five, when she finally made it back to her room- so much so that when Freya knocked on her door twenty minutes later asking if she wanted dinner, she wanted to cry. 

~ ~ ~

She had managed to avoid the two girls who she had thought were lesbians up until Tuesday afternoon, when Sod’s Law dictated that she be late to her first Chemistry lesson when the only spare stool was on their row.

‘Hi,’ she smiled as he sat down.

The girls smiled back. Gwen had caught their names, Morgana and Morgause, when Ms Nimueh took the register. They were in Aithusa house, wearing white ties with thin sky-blue stripes. Unlike _Harry Potter_ , there were no fewer than twelve boarding houses, eight for the younger girls, and four in the Sixth Form. The houses didn’t collect house points, nor have a house mascot- though, apparently, there were a pair of rabbits in the garden at Aithusa.

‘Is it true your house has rabbits?’ Gwen asked, when they all got up to collect equipment.

‘Yeah,’ Morgana rolled her eyes. ‘They belong to the housemistress. I’d say I’d let you come around, but they don’t do anything. Not so much as hop or nibble carrots.’

‘They’re okay,’ Morgause, a blonde, shrugged. ‘Gana’s just pissed she wasn’t allowed to bring her rats back.’

‘They’re not rats. They’re guinea-pigs,’ the other retorted. ‘I just don’t see why the housemistress is allowed to keep her rubbish pets, and I have to leave my babies with Arthur.’

To Gwen’s disappointment, the two girls seemed lovely. It would have been so much easier if they had been Diana-worshipping nudists, but they weren’t. Or at least, they didn’t tell her that they were.

~ ~ ~

‘Yep, so there they are,’ Morgana announced.

Gwen looked at the two preposterously fat rabbits lurking in their hutches. One made a miserable attempt to flop towards a lettuce leaf.

‘They’re ridiculous,’ Gwen nodded.

‘Great. Now you agree, let’s have Movie Night.’

Curfew strictly being six thirty, and the time currently being six, Gwen didn’t think she was going to make it back to Albion in time. They walked back through the double doors into Aithusa House, which was very different to Albion.

Aithusa was single-storey, set around a sheltered courtyard, whereas Albion had two storeys above ground and a TV room in the basement. Aithusa’s TV room backed onto the kitchen, which was irritating unless you particularly enjoyed people wandering through every five minutes, making themselves a cup of tea and asking what you were watching.

So, Movie Night was being held in Morgana’s room, partly because of the size of her room, but also because she had a high-powered desktop with a 23-inch screen.

Morgause brought in her DVD collection in two boxes. Gwen scanned the titles. _Tipping the Velvet_ was certainly in there, along with _But I’m A Cheerleader_. Gwen’s skin began to feel a little weird, like she was in some sort of Gwen-costume, and shouldn’t really be there. ‘What have you seen?’ Morgana asked, gesturing at her DVD shelf as well.

Morgana had _Brokeback Mountain_. That didn’t necessarily mean anything, and in Gwen’s mind, Heath Ledger was certainly enough to keep any _straight_ woman entertained for two hours. Morgause sprawled on Morgana’s bed in a way that suggested she’d been there before. ‘Er, I’ve seen _Titanic, In Bruges, Brokeback Mountain, Control_ , all the _X-Men_ films, and all the Disney stuff, including _Pirates of the Carribbean_.’

‘And from mine?’ Morgause asked.

‘Oh, _Star Wars_ , obviously, _Of Mice and Men, Keeping Mum_ ,’ Gwen listed off, wondering if she should just keep schtum about the lesbian films, or if that might make them more likely to be on the viewing agenda. ‘ _Juno, Hard Candy, Sweeney Todd_ and _But I’m A Cheerleader_.’

Gwen thought she might have seen Morgause’s eyebrows raise just a little.

‘Was that any good?’ she asked, pulling it from the box. ‘I’ve never got round to watching it.’

_What kind of person keeps DVDs they’ve never even watched?_ Gwen thought, slightly panicky.

‘It’s okay. A bit cheesy,’ Gwen shrugged. ‘Fun, doesn’t take up too many brain cells.’

_Gay_ , her brain kept saying. _It’s gay. It’s really gay._

‘Maybe another time then. Unless you wanted to watch it again?’

‘Er. No, I’d rather wait a little bit,’ said Gwen, kicking herself as she came across as someone who had already watched the damned film twenty times already.

‘Well,’ said Morgana. ‘I fancy a bit of light relief. _Love Actually_?’

‘Christmas film,’ Morgause overruled her. ‘If you want romcom, I’d go _Bridget Jones_.’

‘I’ve only got _The Edge of Reason_?’ Morgana scowled at her shelves. ‘Gwen?’

‘I’ve never seen the second one, actually.’

‘There we go, then. Turn the lights off, Mog.’

Mog was Morgause. Gana was Morgana. Gwen was actually Guinevere, but she didn’t like putting that about, and nobody at school knew yet. If she had her way, nobody would ever know.

Morgana arranged her pillows so that they made a corner while Morgause sat up to reach the light switch over Morgana’s bed.

‘Get up here, Gwen,’ Morgana said, patting the duvet on her other side.

Gwen could hardly stay sat on the floor like a lemon, so she kicked off her trainers and scooted onto the bed.

They watched the film in the dark, Morgana sat in her pillow-corner with Morgana resting on her chest and Gwen on her other side, who was resisting the urge to shiver every time their arms, or worse, their legs, brushed.

The film was, to be entirely fair to it, bad, but not too unpleasant a way. It just wasn’t taxing at all, and the scene in the Thai prison was fairly amusing. She might have enjoyed it overall if she was on her own.

But there had to be a lesbian kiss scene, didn’t there? Especially when she was just millimetres from Morgana, who Gwen just _knew_ would be able to sense her discomfort. She didn’t want the girls to think she was a lesbian, but she certainly didn’t want them to think she was homophobic. She liked them. Even if they were together, they certainly weren’t too obvious about it.

After three more films, _Atonement, Back to the Future_ and, for more light relief, _Shaun of the Dead_ , Morgause yawned loudly and shuffled back to her room.

‘Shit. I can’t exactly go back now,’ Gwen muttered, looking at her watch. Quarter past twelve.

‘Were you going to?’ Morgana asked with a small laugh. ‘I’ve got enough pillows for both of us, don’t worry. You don’t hog the sheets, do you?’

‘I wouldn’t know,’ Gwen shrugged. ‘I tend to sleep on my own.’

Gwen wasn’t sure what she’d thought would happen at the end of the night. She assumed that the girls had done this before, and that they’d have some ingenious system for smuggling her back to Albion. It turned out that they’d just done this enough times before to know nobody would come looking.

‘You just going to sleep in your clothes, or did you want to borrow something?’ Morgana asked, pulling out her pyjamas from a drawer.

‘Oh, I’ll be fine.’

‘You sure? My room’s next to the boiler; it gets pretty hot in here at night. Here, at least borrow some trousers.’

Morgana tossed a pair of grey pyjama bottoms onto the bed.

Morgana switched her t-shirt before wriggling out of her bra, pulling it out from under her top. She shimmied out of her jeans and slid on a pair of baggy shorts, before hooking off her socks and slinging them at her washing basket.

Gwen had changed in front of girls in P.E. a thousand times, but not one-on-one, as it were. She tried to take her cues from Morgana, but trying desperately not to seem like she was watching Morgana.

She was, however, definitely watching Morgana. With all that dark hair around her face, Gwen couldn’t tell if the other girl knew she was being watched, but if Gwen could even admit to herself that she was watching Morgana, she would have dearly hoped that the other girl hadn’t caught her looking.

~ ~ ~

‘Where were you last night?’ Freya asked at lunch. ‘Or this morning, for that matter?’

‘Aithusa,’ Gwen admitted. ‘Stayed up too late watching films, top-and-tailed with Morgana.’

‘Morgana Pendragon?’ Freya asked. ‘You’re friends with her?’

‘She’s in my form. What have you heard?’

‘That she has stalkers,’ Freya said knowingly.

‘Stalkers?’ Gwen breathed in disbelief. ‘Shit. Are the police involved?’

‘Oh no, not nutters rooting through her bins, not that kind of stalker. Younger girls.’

‘What?’

‘Haven’t you heard? Younger girls, they sometimes stalk the older girls. They get a cult following, like they’re goddesses or something.’

Morgana certainly seemed the type to attract a cult following.

‘So what do they do, the younger girls?’

‘Not much, for the most part. Just hang around places where they might be, try and learn what they’re like. Others copy their fashion or their haircuts. The brave ones might even smile in the corridors.’

Gwen was trying to process this.

‘This school is weird sometimes. Do the stalkers ever turn nasty?’

Freya laughed.

‘Not from what I’ve heard. They’re just kids, Gwen.’

‘I suppose,’ Gwen shrugged. ‘It is odd though. This place is so different to my old school.’

‘How?’

‘I don’t know. The way girls, women _are_ with each other. The way we get taught when there aren’t any boys in the classroom.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well, in French, we hardly ever sit on the chairs, in rows. We’re always wandering around the classroom, sitting on tables, that sort of thing. It’s just so… relaxed here.’

‘So you’re not frustrated, yet?’ Freya asked with a wink.

‘No!’ Gwen blushed. ‘It’s only been a few weeks.’

‘I think I’m starting,’ Freya winced. ‘I caught sight of the football coach the other day and nearly walked into a wall because I was staring at his calves.’

‘Any good?’ Gwen asked.

Freya nodded with a satisfied smile.

~ ~ ~

On Michaelmas term fancy dress day, Gwen made the mistake of dressing up as the Doctor, using a fez and a huge number of hairpins to hide her hair in a bun. Unfortunately, she only realised it was a mistake after lunch.

‘ _Someone_ ’s been making an impression,’ Morgause said slyly, as Gwen wandered back into the form room with Morgana.

‘What?’ Gwen asked, nonplussed.

‘I just spent my lunch break helping out with the third years’ Christmas play. They were wondering who the boy dressed as the Doctor was.’ Morgana stifled a laugh. Gwen looked down at her outfit. She had wanted to be a good Doctor, not a sexy female Doctor, so had taken the step of masking her curves. Even then, she was hardly the shape of a teenage boy.

‘I don’t look _that_ masculine,’ she tried.

Morgana shook her head, still amused.

‘They’re wishful thinkers. I mean, for God’s sake, there’s never a boy in this school- why the hell would one turn up on the exact day we all wear ridiculous costumes?’

‘Did you set them straight?’ Gwen asked Morgause.

‘Oh, please tell me you did,’ Morgana pleaded, sitting on the table behind Morgause.

‘I did,’ Morgause smirked. She looked back at Gwen. ‘You’re going to wish I hadn’t.’

~ ~ ~

Gwen found out exactly what Morgause had meant eventually. It was subtle, gradual, so much so that she didn’t notice at first. Eventually though, something began to play at the back of her mind.

‘Is it just me?’ she asked Freya on the way to Biology, ‘or have the lower coll girls seemed more cheerful to you recently? I swear I see a lot of them just… smiling. In the corridors. For no reason.’

‘Oh, they’ve got a reason,’ Freya giggled.

‘What? Are they being given uppers at break, what is it?’ Gwen sighed.

Freya bit her lip.

‘Gwen, I’m afraid you’ve found yourself a following.’

‘What?’

‘Stalkers, Gwen. A fair few of them, I should reckon,’ Freya said as solemnly as she could, while still sounding faintly amused. ‘Probably rivalling Morgana’s lot. They’ll be turning up in Team Gwen/Team Gana t-shirts on the next mufti day, you wait.’

‘Oh, shut up.’

‘Of course, it won’t help the fact you two are in the same form,’ Freya noted.

‘What do you mean by that?’

Freya stopped by the door to the Science department for a second.

‘I probably shouldn’t tell you that.’

‘What? You can’t just say that.’

Freya pushed through the door.

‘No, really Gwen, you wouldn’t want to know. Not your sort of thing, from what I’ve gathered.’

‘What isn’t?’

Freya sighed.

‘The lower years. They probably ship you and Morgana.’

Two girls walking past collapsed in giggles.

‘What exactly does that mean?’ Gwen asked, looking desperately from the two laughing second-years to Freya.

‘Ship. As in relation-ship. As in, you and Morgana, they want it to happen.’

Of all the urgent and demanding questions, there was one that really needed asking.

‘But Morgana’s with Morgause. Isn’t she?’

Freya looked at her like she was a moron, leaning on the wall next to the biology lab.

‘Morgause is her half-sister. You’ve been slinking off to Aithusa for films and sleepovers and you didn’t even figure that one out?’

‘It didn’t… come up,’ Gwen shrugged defensively. ‘I just thought they were gay.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I saw Morgause’s DVD collection. _Tipping the Velvet_ , _But I’m A Cheerleader_ , _Better Than Chocolate_. The list goes on.’

‘I’ve never heard of any of those,’ Freya shook her head.

‘They’re lesbian films.’

‘How do you know that?’

Gwen didn’t miss a beat.

‘Because I’d never heard of them either. I had to look them up.’

‘Fair enough.’

That was close.

~ ~ ~

‘Freya in my house thinks your stalkers are going to start a war with mine,’ Gwen said to Morgana at lunch the next week. 

Morgana snorted. 

‘Hardly. It’s mostly the same bunch.’ 

‘Does Morgause keep you up-to-date on the third-years’ attentions?’ 

‘I like to know as little as possible about it,’ Morgana shook her head. ‘Jesus, the less I know about Calfan, the better.’ 

‘Calfan?’ Gwen asked. 

‘I’m not telling you anything. Except not to try looking it up, because you’ll deeply regret it.’ 

Gwen tried looking Calfan up that evening after school, and came to deeply regret it. Mostly because when she typed “calfan” into the search bar, her search engine suggested that she might want to attach the word “gwengana” to it. 

This was something, Gwen decided, that she probably wanted to look at in her Incognito browser. 

~ ~ ~ 

She didn’t look in the end, wary of the absence of a lock on her door and also of Freya’s tendency to come bursting in unannounced. Days drifted off until the end of term was upon them. 

Every house had a Christmas party, and, as Albion’s was known to be the best –due to the blind eye turned by housemistress Alice- Gwen stood waiting by the back door waiting to let in Morgana and her sister. 

‘Merry Christmas!’ Morgana beamed. 

Morgause showed Gwen the contents of her rucksack: various clinking bottles of booze. 

‘Can I put these in your room?’ 

‘No problem,’ Gwen smiled, leading them both upstairs. ‘Where did you get them?’ 

‘I turned eighteen a few days ago,’ Morgause shrugged. ‘I got held back a year when I was in fourth form.’ 

‘Shit, Mog, why didn’t you tell me? I’d have got you something,’ Gwen said unhappily. 

‘That’s why I didn’t tell you,’ Morgause grinned. ‘I don’t need anything. I didn’t want any fuss either, and I didn’t trust you not to try and bring in a cake.’ 

Gwen had to admit, she probably would have done. She made a mental note to do it next year instead, and to find out Morgana’s birthday. Unfortunately Freya was an August baby, but she’d figure something out. 

 Once the turkey, sprouts, gravy, Yorkshire puddings, pigs-in-blankets, bread sauce, cranberry sauce, carrots and piles of roast potatoes were done with, the four of them retreated upstairs. 

Gwen’s memory of the evening was patchy at best. She remembered, in order, a bottle of Lambrini, discussing the merits of studying Chaucer with Morgause, another bottle of Lambrini, declaring that Lambrini was an awful drink, a shot of vodka, cadging some cigarettes off the girls opposite Freya’s room, and all of them hanging out of the windows trying to smoke them. 

There had been other drinks, and other moments, but Gwen couldn’t quite pin them down. 

She did, however, remember the point at which she stopped being merry, and just started noticing how nice Morgana looked in that dress. The bit at the back of her mind which was still stone-cold sober, which could see what was happening and was worried about it, realised she had two choices. 

The first was to make herself a cup of strong coffee and try and coax her brain away from mentally listing all the things she could do to Morgana with just her tongue. The second was to down a large shot of rum and hope that it all went away. 

The bottle of rum was nearest. 

‘You a’right?’ asked Freya, dragging herself over. 

Gwen chuckled wryly. 

‘Doesn’t matter.’ 

‘Oh, I love the next song!’ roared a more-than-tipsy Morgana, putting up the volume on Freya’s laptop. ‘Oh, we all need to dance to this.’ Gwen hauled herself up, groaning as she realised the track in question was Heaven 17’s _Temptation_. 

‘How can you like this shit?’ she asked in disbelief. 

‘Because it’s fun,’ Morgana said. ‘Admit it. Admit it’s fun. _Never been closer, I’ve tried to understand._ ’ 

‘No way.’ 

‘Yes way… _feeling, carved by another’s hand, oh. But it’s too late to hesitate, we can’t keep on living like this._ ’ 

Gwen shook her head. 

‘Come on, Gwen. _Leave no track. Don’t look back._ ’ 

‘ _All I desire,’_ Gwen laughed through her falsetto. 

‘ _Temptation_ ,’ Morgana nodded encouragingly. Freya and Morgause just laughed. 

‘ _Keep climbing higher and higher_.’ 

‘ _Temptation._ ’ 

‘ _Adorable creatures.’_

Morgana took her hand, laughing through the words. 

‘ _Temptation._ ’ 

‘ _With unacceptable features.’_

‘Oh, God, Gwen, you take the male part, I’m dying here!’ Morgana laughed. 

‘You think I’m having fun with the high part?’ 

‘Fair point.’ 

‘ _Temptation_ ,’ Gwen tried the male part. 

She sounded ridiculous, the mirth in Morgana’s eyes told her that much. 

At some point, Freya and Morgause had sloped off to lie on Freya’s bed, Freya at the pillow end and Morgause curled up at the foot. By the time Morgana and Gwen realised, the two were fast asleep. 

‘Shall we move this to your room?’ Morgana asked, before babbling, ‘I mean, let them get their rest. Not anything else.’ 

‘No,’ Gwen sniggered, shutting Freya’s laptop. 

It was after two in the morning as they made their way, giggling, back to Gwen’s room. 

‘Are you tired yet?’ Morgana asked as she unfolded her pyjamas. 

‘Don’t know. Too drunk.’ 

‘Oh my God. What’s that?’ Morgana gasped, excited, at Gwen’s star projector. 

‘A star map projector. All the stars, but inside.’ 

‘Can I have a look?’ 

‘Okay,’ Gwen nodded, shrugging out of her clothes. They had slept in the same room often enough by this point for her not to be self-conscious any more. 

‘That’s cool,’ Morgana admitted as Gwen turned off the main light, revealing a 360- degree view of the night sky. ‘I live in London; I can’t really see the stars. Even out here, you can only really get a good view on a clear day.’ 

‘Yeah. I missed it,’ Gwen confessed, going to lie next to Morgana. ‘When I was little, before my mum died, she used to sit with me in the garden, and tell me all the stories.’ 

‘Stories?’ 

‘Yeah,’ Gwen looked around the projected heavens, before pointing one cluster out. ‘That’s Cassiopeia, an ancient queen. She and her daughter Andromeda were both incredibly beautiful and one day, she boasted that Andromeda was even more beautiful than the sea-nymphs. The gods were angry, so Cassiopeia was placed into the sky as a punishment. She sits on her chair –the zigzag shape, you see- and as the seasons change, her chair turns upside-down, and she has to cling on to stop herself from falling. 

‘My mum used to say that she thought I was beautiful, too, and that she needed to be careful or the gods would put her up in the sky as well. When she died, everyone used to say that she was looking down on me, so I always thought of her like Cassiopeia, spinning around in the sky forever because she thought I was too beautiful.’ 

As Gwen’s voice cracked, Morgana pulled her into a brief hug. 

‘It’s a lovely story,’ she murmured. 

‘My mum taught me a few. I liked to hear them over and over again,’ Gwen explained in a whisper, pointing out another cluster to Morgana in the dim light. ‘Over there is Perseus, the one who killed Medusa. When Cassiopeia made her boast, Poseidon, the god of the sea, was so angry that he sent a vicious sea-monster, Cetus, to attack her kingdom. The people thought that the only way to appease it would be to sacrifice Andromeda to the monster.’ 

‘What happened?’ 

‘Perseus was sailing back after killing Medusa, and saw Andromeda tied to a rock in the sea. He killed the monster, freed Andromeda and married her.’ 

‘And they all lived happily ever after?’ Morgana asked, amused. 

‘Nope. She already had a fiancé, you see, who turned up at the wedding.’ 

‘Awkward.’ 

‘A bit. No problem for Perseus, though- he took out Medusa’s head and turned his rival to stone.’ 

‘Sounds like a real charmer.’ 

‘That was the Greeks. No happily-ever-afters for them. Just one thing after another.’ 

‘Bit more like real life then?’ 

‘Yep. Snake-haired women and sea monsters, just like real life.’ 

‘You know what I mean.’ 

~ ~ ~ 

They had fallen asleep over the duvet, and Gwen woke up a couple of hours later, shivering. She tried to ease the quilt from underneath Morgana, but the other woman opened her eyes. 

‘Eh?’ she murmured sleepily. 

‘I’m cold. Just trying to get the quilt out,’ Gwen whispered. 

‘Mmf,’ Morgana agreed, whipping the quilt out from underneath her and bringing it back over herself and Gwen, falling instantly back to sleep. Her arm was slung over Gwen’s chest, and her hair tickled at Gwen’s face. After being so cold, Gwen found the warmth of Morgana’s leg against her own was unfamiliar but pleasant. 

Too tired and too intoxicated to question any further, Gwen succumbed again to slumber. 

~ ~ ~ 

It was over Christmas, sick of family and talking, and after a glass of sloe gin too many, that Gwen let her curiosity get the better of her, opening up a browser window and slowly typing “calfan” again. Again, it suggested “gwengana”, and she agreed. 

Calfan stood for Camelot Ladies’ Fanworks. It was a collection of drawings and short stories by younger girls. Occasionally, the subject was a friend, but teachers and older girls were much more likely candidates. 

Gwen had been known to indulge in the occasional _Harry Potter_ crack-fic in her younger days, so the terms and abbreviations used weren’t entirely alien to her. However, being one half of the most gossiped-about “pairing” in the school felt strangely unnerving. 

She found herself trying to cover her eyes with one hand while scrolling with the other. Stories about Morgana picking Gwen flowers. Stories where they were both grown-up, living together. Even a story where Gwen was the Doctor, and Morgana was her companion- she was never going to live that costume down. 

She couldn’t quite bring herself to click on any of them, but found herself drawn to a discussion post entitled _“So ARE they???”_ Gwen read through the main post. 

_So, new girl makes friends with Morgana Pendragon, but are they actually together? Speculation welcome, sightings better, photos (^^!) awesome._ **–Kitty1999, 20:46 19.11.2012**

The comments failed to provide an unequivocal “Nope.” 

_I see them eating lunch every day. They’re so cute together!_ **–Rainbowpip, 20:50 19.11.2012**

_Yeah, but most days Morgause is with them. They’re probably all just friends. :(_ **-Anabanana, 20:54 19.11.2012**

_I was in Gedref house with Mog last year, there was a rumour that she’s a lesbian._ **–Ellaxoxo, 21:02 19.11.2012**

_Old news._ **–Toriix98, 21:06 19.11.2012**

_Yeah, Vivian Alin was her roommate, she asked to move when she found out but wasn’t allowed. She told a lot of people._ **–superSP, 21:09 19.11.2012**

_Poor Mog :( xx was she okay?_ **–Ellaxoxo, 21:12 19.11.2012**

Gwen felt guilty that she’d discovered Morgause’s sexuality while trawling the younger years’ gossip forum. The blonde was private about a lot of things; her roommate outing her certainly wouldn’t have helped. 

_Mog isn’t afraid of anything, I’m sure she’s okay._ **–othermsvivienne, 21:15 19.11.2012**

_I think she is now. Anyway, we’ve gone OT. Gwengana gossip. Are either of them out?_ **–Kitty1999, 21:19 19.11.2012**

_I’m in Mercia house and there haven’t been any rumours about Morgana. Not that I’ve heard anyway!_ – **Anabanana, 21:23 19.11.2012**

_Pity Gwen is new. She’s never been in a junior house._ **–Kitty1999, 21:26 19.11.2012**

_Is Mog helping with the Lent term concert this year?_ **–Anabanana, 23:31 19.11.2012**

_Yes. I talk to her a bit- I’ll see what I can find out._ **–Toriix98  23:37 19.11.2012**

_Don’t Tori! Don’t be so obvious :P_ **–othermsvivienne, 23:45 19.11.2012**

_Says you. You got a haircut last time Morgause did._ **–Toriix98, 23:52 19.11.2012**

_She’s so pretty. I wish I was more like her >< _**-othermsvivienne, 25:58 19.11.2012**

The practical upshot of the rest of the thread, aside from the fact that a lot of girls were trying to grow out their hair like Morgana, and that a lot of them, disturbingly, knew where Gwen bought her clothes, was that none of them had any real idea what was what between Gwen and Morgana. 

Gwen wasn’t sure either. 

~ ~ ~ 

Facing Morgause in the new year was a little awkward for Gwen. She had always strongly suspected that Mog was gay, but seeing as the girl didn’t go around preaching women’s rights or brazenly sporting a black triangle, it hadn’t been confirmed. 

Gwen really wished that she wasn’t awkward around Morgause, but she couldn’t help it. She’d pried into something so incredibly private- but something which she really wished Morgause trusted her enough to say. 

So what could she do? She couldn’t just face up and ask her- that was just too awkward. She couldn’t think of a way that it might just come up in conversation, either. So did she just wait until Morgause brought it up? 

She might never bring it up. It wasn’t really Gwen’s business either, really. It was something that was useful to know in certain circumstances, but Morgause probably didn’t think it was really that relevant to Gwen. Or thought that showing Gwen her DVD collection was enough of a giveaway. That said, Gwen admitting she had seen _But I’m A Cheerleader_ could have been interpreted as an admission of her own sexuality. Which it wasn’t. 

Gwen was overthinking the situation and she knew it. It wasn’t Morgause’s fault, but the whole scenario had just made her a little confused.

‘Are you okay?’ Morgause asked at lunch, when Morgana had wandered off to hand in her Physics coursework. ‘You’ve been in the clouds all morning.’ 

‘Sorry,’ Gwen shook herself out of her daydream. ‘ New term; it’s weird. It’s like I’m a new girl all over again.’ 

‘Ah, you’ll be right as rain in a bit. You got any free periods this afternoon?’ 

‘Seventh, annoyingly. None of mine have landed nicely.’ 

‘Awkward, but it’s better than nothing. Could you give me a hand with the schedule for the Lent Term Concert? I was supposed to sort it out over the break but I didn’t really have a fantastic Christmas.’ 

‘Oh, I will. I don’t know much about music, but I’ll help. What happened?’ 

Morgause sighed. 

‘Gana and I were supposed to spend it with our mum. Only, Gana calls me last minute and says her dad won’t let her. So I’m stuck spending four days on my own in a tiny flat with an alcoholic.’ 

Gwen had never heard much of Morgause’s home life; now she knew why. 

‘It’s not Gana’s fault,’ Morgause continued. ‘Her dad certainly isn’t easy to live with. Still. Would have been better if she was there.’

‘You should have called,’ Gwen told her, but Morgause shook her head. 

‘You were with your family, having a proper Christmas. Oh shit,’ she sniffed, her voice catching. ‘Can we go to the Prayer Room?’ 

By the time they had slipped through the corridors to the secluded Prayer Room, Morgause was certainly moist around the eyes. The second they got through the doors, she let her tears fall. 

‘I don’t know, Gwen, sometimes I just think how much easier Morgana has it and I can’t help but get irritated,’ she sobbed. ‘And then she complains about her little brother being an irritating shit, and I’m just- I would give _anything_ to have my sister at home.’ 

She sat on the little wooden bench with Morgause, letting the other girl hang around her neck, head buried in her jumper. Not having much else to do, she smoothed down the other girl’s hair. 

The door opened, and a couple of girls came in to do their afternoon prayers. Gwen didn’t want to disturb Morgause, so just carried on, letting her cry for as long as she needed. Unless snot-stains came into fashion, Gwen would probably need to take off her jumper afterwards, she noted. 

When the bell rang to signal the end of lunch, Morgause looked up, puffy eyed. 

‘Oh God,’ she laughed through her tears. ‘I bet I look a mess.’ 

‘You probably want to nip to the toilets before we go back to form, yeah,’ Gwen said with a half-smile. ‘I’d say your eyeliner had run, but that wouldn’t really do it justice.’ 

Morgause sniffed, and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. Sure enough, black streaked onto the fabric. 

‘Ha.’ 

When they got back to form, Gwen explained to Ms Nimueh why she and Morgause had been late; as her favourite pupil, Gwen was easily forgiven. 

‘Where did you two get to?’ asked Morgana, taking in the fact that Morgause had removed her eyeliner. 

‘Just needed to let something out; it’s fine,’ Morgause smiled. 

Gwen couldn’t help but notice that Morgana looked a little put out. 

~ ~ ~ 

Morgana had maths that afternoon before joining Gwen for biology, so couldn’t join them in organising the concert schedule. 

‘Right. The tricky ones. We probably don’t want the solo violinist playing in the slot before or after the quartet, just to break things up a bit. The organ needs a bit of setting up, because we need to get the projection screen down so people can see Victoria play.’ 

Morgause went on to explain which pieces tended to be better to start or end the evening, and Gwen looked worriedly at all the pieces of paper they had to pin to the corkboard. 

‘Okay,’ she said after about half an hour. ‘If we put Victoria on straight after the break, it means the video equipment can be tested with the curtain down, and we don’t run the risk of putting her on the beginning and the video link failing.’ 

‘Great,’ Morgause nodded, pinning that piece of paper onto the board. 

‘What time is it?’ 

‘Ten to?’ 

‘Shit. I should probably get to biology.’ 

Gwen got to her feet, trying to figure out where she’d kicked her shoes off. 

‘Who’ve you got?’ 

‘Leech.’ 

‘Ah, I wouldn’t worry. He won’t notice.’ 

‘He will do if I turn up five minutes late.’ 

‘So?’ Morgause asked. ‘Don’t turn up at all.’ 

‘What?’ Gwen slipped her shoes back on. ‘I can’t. I’ve never.’ 

‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ Morgause smirked. 

Gwen gaped. She’d never been a rule-breaker. 

‘I get into trouble?’ she replied. 

Morgause rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. 

‘Oh Gwen. You’re far too strait-laced sometimes.’ 

‘And what’s so bad about that?’ Gwen put her hands on her hips, trying to sound righteous, but she found herself kicking her shoes back off as she did so. 

Morgause shook her head, and simply asked, ‘So who’s next?’ 

‘Henrietta Stone?’ Gwen sighed, defeated. 

Morgause was right; Dr. Leech never even noticed that Gwen had missed a lesson. Morgana did, however. 

~ ~ ~ 

‘Do you want copies of my notes from bio yesterday?’ Morgana asked at break the next day. 

‘Sorry, yeah. I’ll pay you back.’ 

‘You bet you will,’ Morgana said, fishing the photocopies from her bag. ‘Where were you, anyway?’ 

‘Oh, I was sorting out the concert schedule with Mog. She needed a bit of help.’ 

‘Oh,’ Morgana replied. ‘Did you get it done?’ 

‘As far as I know. Not my area of expertise.’ 

‘Mog’s been helping organise the plays and concerts since her second bash at fourth-form,’ Morgana explained. ‘She didn’t have as much coursework as anyone else, so took that on to fill up her free periods. She loves it. Wants to be a theatre director after uni.’ 

‘She seems pretty knowledgeable. It’s quite cool to be good at something like that, isn’t it?’ 

‘Hm,’ Morgana affirmed. 

~ ~ ~ 

‘Movie night?’ Morgause asked her sister on Friday afternoon. 

‘What did you have in mind?’ 

‘If Gwen doesn’t mind, I’d quite like to get around to watching _But I’m A Cheerleader_.’ 

‘No problem,’ Gwen shrugged. It was just ridiculous fun, after all. 

They also settled on _Sunshine Cleaning, Ten Things I Hate About You,_ and decided to start the evening with _Dangerous Liaisons._

‘Oh no, Vicomte!’ Gwen said unhappily as they watched the latter. 

Morgause laughed. 

‘It’s just a film.’ 

‘You know I get emotionally invested.’ 

Sure enough, Gwen was crying by the end. 

‘Are you going to cry at _But I’m A Cheerleader_ as well?’ Morgause smirked afterwards, when they were blinking in the electric lighting. 

‘I should manage,’ Gwen replied, rolling her eyes in response. ‘Ugh, I’m going to get tissue from the toilet.’ 

As Gwen left the room, she saw Morgana shoot daggers at her sister. 

‘What?’ Morgause asked, as the door closed behind Gwen. 

 ‘You know what,’ Morgana’s reply came, stifled by the door. 

Gwen knew she shouldn’t, but she loitered. 

‘You know what, Gana? I really don’t know what you’re on about this time.’ 

‘Oh, it’s nothing,’ Morgana snapped. ‘But you’re my sister. Act like it.’ 

‘Act like it?’ came Morgause’s furious reply. ‘How about you act like it?’ 

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ 

‘I spent four days on my own over Christmas with our _bitch_ of a mother, that’s what it means.’ 

‘So that’s why you’re doing this?’ 

‘Morgana, I really have no idea what you mean.’ 

Morgana’s voice lowered to an angry whisper, and when Gwen realised she couldn’t hear the words any more, she also realised that she should not have been listening at all. 

~ ~ ~ 

Movie night was cut short, Morgause claiming that she had a headache, and Morgana changing and sliding into bed with barely a word to Gwen. At breakfast, it became clear the sisters were not speaking, and Gwen walked back up the road to Albion. 

Freya was spending the weekend at her grandmother’s 70th, and without her other two friends, Gwen was more than a little bored. Cat gifs weren’t quite scratching her itch, and so, with a cautious glance at her door, she looked up Calfan again. 

It was similar to what she’d seen on her first visit, though, she noted with a wince, some of the stories were now pairing her with Morgause. Knowing that the blonde was definitely gay would do nothing to stop the rumour mill turning. 

At last Gwen spotted the reason: a discussion post with around 60 comments. It was titled “ _Breaking News: Gwen/Mog Sighting!!!”_

Gwen couldn’t back out now. She clicked the link. 

_Wasn’t a Gwen/Mog shipper but friend swears blind she saw pair of them taking some alone time in the Prayer Room. Thoughts/confirmations???_ – **Anabanana, 20:01 07.01.2013**

Well, that was just what Gwen needed. 

_What? What were they doing??_ **–othermsvivienne, 20:03 07.01.2013**

_Hugging, apparently. Gwen was playing with Mog’s hair!_ **–Anabanana ,20:06, 07.01.2013**

_Aww, adorable! No confirmations yet? :(_ **–othermsvivienne, 20:08 07.01.2013**

_Confirmation: unnamed friend (Idirsholas House) saw them together in the Prayer Room as well. She says Gwen was looking after Mog. Squee!_ **–sokissme, 20:14 07.01.2013**

_I have more. Saw Mog after coll, asked her when my slot was in the concert- apparently Gwen helped her schedule it???_ **–toriix98, 20:18 07.01.2013**

Gwen wondered how she could warn Morgause against telling the younger girls anything without it sounding like she’d been stalking Calfan. The stalkers really did see what they wanted to see. She scrolled down. 

_I saw them together at break today, Gana looked like a bit of a third wheel :/_ **-chlochlo, 20:46 09.01.2013**

_Poor Gana._ **–Rainbowpip, 20:50 09.01.2013**

_Don’t you lot have anything better to do with your time?_ **–AP1997, 21:03 09.01.2013**

_Don’t you?_ **–Rainbowpip, 21:07 09.01.2013**

_Don’t feed the trolls, Pip._ **–Kitty1999, 21:10 09.01.2013**

_Great, a bunch of stalkers are taking the moral high ground over me._ **–AP1997, 21:14 09.01.2013**

_Ugh, she’s so boring…_ **-Anabanana, 21:19 09.01.2013**

_Shows how much you know._ **–AP1997, 21:22 09.01.2013**

_Oh yeah, and what do you know?_ **–Anabanana, 21:26 09.01.2013**

_I know things about Morgana that would make your tiny heads explode. With squee, probably, though I hate to admit it **.**_ **–AP1997, 21:29 09.01.2013**

_OT: Kit, how is the ‘Potential candidates for the role of Chief Troll’ thread coming along?_ **–Anabanana, 21:33 09.01.2013**

_OT: We know she’s probably in Mercia, and most likely in fourth or fifth form. Oh, and has the initials AP._ **–Kitty1999, 21:35 09.01.2013**

_Wrongitty wrong wrong. You got my intials right, though- how did you manage that?! *sarc*_ **-AP1997, 21:39 09.01.2013**

_Back to the subject, do you think Morgana is actually still interested in Gwen?_ **–chlochlo, 21:41 09.01.2013**

_Probably. Also, she might have two guinea-pigs named Flim and Flam._ **–AP1997, 21:43 09.01.2013**

_I don’t know, she could just be upset because her and her sister were best friends before Gwen came along._ **–superSP, 21:46 09.01.2013**

_Also likely. Perhaps Morgana’s favourite song is Temptation by Heaven 17? (By the way, it’s “she and her sister”, not “her and her sister”, xx)_ **–AP1997, 21.50 09.01.2013**

Gwen had certainly found something interesting. Morgana had mentioned Flim and Flam a few times. Also, if Christmas was anything to go by, AP1997’s second titbit was also true. 

She had left the thread at that point, probably due to the junior houses’ ten-o’clock internet curfew. Gwen looked down the thread to see if she cropped up again. 

_All three of them went back to Aithusa earlier. They do it most Fridays. What do you think they’re doing? Xx_ – **Ellaxoxo, 20:07 11.01.2013**

_OH GOD. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THAT ROAD, I BEG OF YOU. They’re sisters_. **–AP1997, 20:16 11.01.2013**

_Hey, do you think Morgana reads this?_ **–heartgana, 20:19 11.01.2013**

_I really hope not. Do you think her favourite flowers might be gardenias?_ **–AP1997, 20:23 11.01.2013**

Gwen didn’t know if that one was true, but she knew one thing. She needed both girls to make up so that the younger girls wouldn’t see it as confirmation of a love triangle. She also needed them to make up because they were her friends. 

~ ~ ~ 

“ _Have you and Gana made up yet? I don’t need to know what went wrong but the weekend’s been rubbish without you both.”_

_“Have you and Mog made up yet? Not my business what went on between you, but I miss having my friends about.”_

She fired off the texts in quick succession, in order not to show any favouritism. She hoped, really, not to get an immediate response, just wanting it to bring them to their senses. About half way through Sunday, her mobile vibrated. 

_‘Sorry. Feel rubbish about it. Going to talk to her.’_

That was Morgause. A couple of hours later, she got a response from Morgana. 

_‘Sorry, Gwen. Thanks for texting us both. All sorted. X’_

She was glad that had worked, else Monday would have been a nightmare. 

~ ~ ~ 

Monday, instead, was mundane, and Tuesday tedious. Wednesday was where things got interesting. 

That lunchtime, Morgana had excused herself to the library, and Freya was volunteering at the local cattery, so when Morgause asked if Gwen had anything better to do than help organise rehearsals for the Lent Concert, she had to admit that she really didn’t. 

By half one, however, she rather wished that she had. 

‘Can I ask you a question?’ asked a third year, with brown plaits and freckles. ‘It’s just… we don’t get the chance to talk to the older girls much, and I don’t think this is something that Mog can help with.’ 

Gwen was a little surprised, but if this girl needed her help… what could she do? 

‘Fire away,’ she smiled reassuringly. 

‘Well,’ the girl looked down, embarrassed. ‘What do I do if… if I think I might be a lesbian? Not that I think that, but what if?’ 

Her blue eyes flicked cautiously to look at the dumbfounded Gwen. 

‘Well, I can’t say that I know for sure,’ she started. ‘Why would you think that you might be a lesbian?’ 

‘Well, if I had a friend, who was really lovely, and I thought she was really lovely, that might make me a lesbian, mightn’t it?’ 

‘Maybe,’ Gwen nodded. ‘But you’re quite young. You never know.’ 

‘Do you know?’ 

Suddenly, the girl’s eyes were bright and searching, all pretence abandoned. Gwen frowned. 

‘Maybe, maybe not, but that would be up to me, wouldn’t it?’ 

‘Do you think Mog is lovely?’ the girl asked again. 

‘Mog is my friend, and I am not interested in her… like that. At all,’ Gwen shook her head. ‘Now you get on Calfan and you tell everyone that.’ 

The girl grinned. 

‘You’re on Calfan?’ 

‘No, I am not.’ 

‘But you’ve been on it?’ the girl smiled. 

Had Gwen been younger, she might have pulled the girl’s plaits. 

‘Once or twice. To see what I’m up against.’ 

‘Or to see what you can find out?’ 

She raised an eyebrow. Gwen scrutinised her carefully. 

‘This is all going on the forum, isn’t it?’ 

The girl nodded. 

‘God, you lot are worse than journalists,’ Gwen shook her head. ‘So you ship me and Mog, do you?’ 

‘Ish. Not sure. Do you even like girls?’ 

Gwen rarely asked herself the question, and so, when asked by the bothersome third-year, didn’t quite have an answer ready. Her silence was taken as an admission. 

‘You do! Do you like Gana?’ the third-year whispered excitedly. 

‘I don’t, and I don’t like girls,’ Gwen whispered back. ‘I won’t help out with the concert again if this is what you lot are going to be like.’ The third-year rolled her eyes, but was prevented from replying by the approach of Morgause. 

‘Tori, you’re up in a bit,’ she told the girl, who scurried up the stairs to the organ bench. ‘You alright there, Gwen?’ 

‘Just about,’ Gwen admitted. ‘How do you cope with this lot?’ 

Morgause snorted. 

‘It’s mostly just Victoria. The stalkers are a persistent bunch, but a thankfully low percentage of the overall population. It doesn’t help they know I’m gay, either.’ 

‘What?’ Gwen asked in shock, mostly because she didn’t realise Morgause’s supposed coming-out to her would be quite so casual. 

‘Oh, Gwen,’ Morgause shook her head in disbelief. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t know that one. You’ve seen my bloody DVD collection- for God’s sake, you even knew what they were about.’ 

‘Well, if I’ve watched them, then I figured you weren’t necessarily, you know…?’ 

‘A lesbian?’ Morgause asked, amused, before frowning as a thought occurred to her. ‘You are alright about it, aren’t you?’ 

‘Well, yes. Yes,’ Gwen said quickly. ‘You’ve always been a good friend, since the day I arrived. And I suppose I did _sort of_ know.’ 

Morgause rolled her eyes. 

‘You’re bloody oblivious when you want to be, aren’t you?’ she laughed, before giving a signal to the obnoxious organist to start playing. ‘Come with me for a coffee after coll; I can see you’ve got questions.’ 

Gwen did indeed have questions, but not any she thought she could comfortably ask. 

She wanted to know what made Morgause so sure, why she was out. Had she trusted Vivian and been betrayed, or had her roommate simply put the pieces together, as Gwen was supposed to have done? Why wasn’t she more obvious, why hadn’t she told Gwen out-and-out? Did she have anyone? Was she looking? 

So many questions, all too personal to actually ask, and then another, one Gwen tried to pretend she didn’t think about: _was it something which ran in families;_ _was there any chance that Morgana was, perhaps…?_

So, it was over a large Americano, selected out of sheer necessity, that Gwen cautiously steeled herself for her chat with Morgause. ‘I just want to make sure you’re okay, that it wasn’t too much of a shock,’ Morgause smiled. ‘I haven’t had too many negative reactions so far.’

‘Did anyone react badly?’ 

Morgause sighed. 

‘My roommate, which was bad when it happened. She outed me to pretty much anyone who would listen. Asked to move rooms, and when she wasn’t allowed, made me feel like shit. In the end, I cracked. Moved to the nurse’s block for the rest of summer term; had to repeat the year.’

‘That must have been awful.’ 

‘At the time,’ Morgause shrugged. ‘It let me get on top of my school work, though. I got to know Gana a bit better as well, which was nice.’

‘You weren’t always close?’ 

‘Nope. I remembered her from when I was little, but when my dad died, his will admitted that Gana wasn’t his, and that she should be left in the care of her biological father. So from when I was six until I was thirteen, I didn’t hear anything.’ 

‘And then you ended up at the same school together?’ Gwen asked. ‘Isn’t that a bit _Parent Trap_?’ 

Morgause laughed. 

‘Not really. Her dad pays my school fees. It was his idea.’ 

‘That was nice of him.’ 

‘Guilt, most likely,’ Morgause stirred her latte absentmindedly. ‘His was the other negative reaction I got.’ 

‘How did he find out?’ Gwen asked. 

‘I went over to stay, Christmas before last,’ Morgause explained. ‘I was trying to be a bit more casual about my sexuality, slipping it into conversation and the like. So I end up talking films with Morgana’s brother, and opine that the only watchable and likeable female character in the Avengers films is Scarlett Johansson’s _derriere_. I could see the exact moment the penny dropped, and the old man’s eyes narrowed. He spent the rest of the holiday watching me out of the corner of his eye. Needless to say, I wasn’t invited again, but on the whole, not so bad.’

‘I suppose that traditional “Coming Out”, with a speech and so on, would have given him a bit more opportunity to be outwardly unpleasant.’

‘My thoughts exactly,’ Morgause nodded. ‘In any case, I slightly pity him for being as homophobic as he is- he’s got a couple of fairly large shocks lined up for him.’ 

Gwen frowned slightly as she hit upon Morgause’s implication. The other girl responded by abruptly changing the subject. 

‘So why _did_ you watch _But I’m A Cheerleader_?’ 

Gwen took a larger slurp of coffee than was advisable. 

‘Erm…’ she hesitated, trying to get any explanation other than the horribly vague _curiosity_ to come to mind. ‘I just heard it was a bit different.’ 

‘Different to what?’ 

‘Most rom-coms, you know. A good rom-com needs an obstacle. In _Sleepless in Seattle_ , that’s a continent. In _Bridget Jones_ , it’s the fact that Bridget has two too-good-to-be-true options. In the vast majority of rom-coms – _Wedding Singer, Four Weddings, Runaway Bride_ – it’s an implausibly unpleasant fiancé.’ 

‘And in _But I’m A Cheerleader_ , it’s gay conversion therapy?’ 

‘Exactly,’ Gwen nodded, glad her explanation made some sense. 

‘Okay. I really want to watch it, now. Fancy coming back to mine and re-watching it? I’ll text Gana, see if she’s done at the library.’ 

While Morgause typed into her ‘phone, Gwen finally realised that the rainbow-coloured ‘phone case Morgause used was probably too much of a giveaway for her to have reasonably overlooked. Suddenly, the thought that she might have missed something else began to make her feel cold. 

She was out, having coffee, with Morgause. She had spent the day helping out with Morgause, and now she was going to go back and watch a lesbian film with Morgause. 

Was Morgause _coming on to her_? 

‘Gana will meet us up there,’ the blonde said, slipping her mobile back into her back. ‘You finished your coffee?’ 

Gwen swilled down the last tepid mouthful and made her way up the road to Aithusa House with Morgause. They set up in Morgana’s unlocked room, to the other girl’s considerable surprise, yelping as she came through the door with an armful of books. She retreated into the corridor. 

‘I could kill you both,’ she said from the other side of the door. ‘But mostly Morgause. What I wouldn’t give for a lock on my door. Mog, help me with these books, will you?’ 

The blonde girl helped her sister squirrel away the substantial tomes. 

‘What were you reading?’ Gwen asked, looking up from the computer. 

‘Essay stuff,’ Morgana waved a hand dismissively. ‘Philosophy.’ 

‘Any good?’ 

‘Kant. Unreadable. So we’re finally watching Mog’s lesbian films, are we?’ Morgana threw herself at her bed. 

‘It would seem so,’ Gwen smiled. ‘It’s not so bad.’ 

Twenty minutes later, Morgana voiced her opinion. 

‘This is awful.’ 

‘Mesmerisingly so,’ her sister concurred. 

‘I thought I made that clear?’ Gwen shrugged. 

‘Ah, I forgive you,’ Morgana sighed, slumping a little more into the pillows. 

~ ~ ~ 

The following morning, Gwen was doing her titration calculations when Morgana flopped onto the stool beside her. 

‘Ugh. Can’t face any more of this today.’ She leant over towards Gwen. ‘Fancy nipping out after Chem?’ 

‘Out?’ Gwen asked. ‘For break?’ 

‘For the rest of the day,’ Morgana grinned. ‘Come on. I’ll see if Mog’s up for it.’ 

‘Of course Mog’s up for it; she’s reckless. I’m… not.’ 

‘Relax, Gwen,’ Morgana patted her on the arm. ‘I’d ask what you’d think would go wrong, but you’d just think we were going to get you killed. Or worse, expelled.’ 

Gwen set down her pen and swivelled to face Morgana, trying not to grin. 

‘Firstly, no. Not Hermione.’ 

‘Stop being a goody two-shoes and I’ll stop comparing you to Hermione.’ 

‘Secondly, just because I don’t want to get into trouble, does not mean that I’m a goody two-shoes.’ 

‘Gwen, you don’t drink, don’t smoke. What do you do?’ 

Gwen was impressed by Morgana’s determination to break her spirit with popular culture references, though damned if she was going to give in that easily. 

‘I do drink, and I also smoke, but only if I’ve been drinking. Any other questions?’ 

‘Well, Gwen, when all questions of space, time, matter and the nature of being have been resolved, only one question remains- where shall we have lunch?’ 

Gwen sighed. 

‘Milliways.’ 

The corner of Morgana’s mouth twitched upwards as she accepted her victory. 

~ ~ ~ 

Milliways being, one the one hand, entirely fictional, and on the other, too far from their present temporal locality, the three of them found themselves in Barburrito instead. 

‘Ah, Barburrito. Subway for the iced tea enthusiast,’ Morgana sighed happily, unravelling the tinfoil ensconcing her burrito.

 ‘I can’t believe I agreed to do this,’ Gwen said into her own lunch. 

‘Well, the damage is done, now Gwen,’ Morgause smiled. ‘May as well enjoy your lunch.’ 

‘I have an idea. Seeing as it was hard enough dragging Gwen out here anyway, how about we take her to the Lower Town?’ 

‘Good idea,’ Morgause nodded. 

‘Where’s that?’ Gwen asked, after finishing her mouthful. 

‘It’s an underground arcade,’ Morgana explained. ‘Alternative clothing, bookshops, geeky stuff.’ 

‘It’s just a bit more interesting than the high street. Which, let’s face it, looks like every other high street in the country.’ 

The Lower Town wasn’t exactly in a prime location, residing as it did directly underneath a city-centre car park, but it did seem to provide items of interest to those who knew where to look. 

One shop sold drag, another sold Shisha pipes. Some had racks of vintage clothing, others had more of a Goth style. One even claimed to be a magical supply shop, and it certainly didn’t sell card tricks. 

It did, however, sell Tarot cards. 

Morgause picked out one deck, paying for it and handing it to Morgana. 

‘There. Have fun.’ 

Morgana explained to Gwen once they had tired of the Lower Town, and gone back to Morgana’s room. 

‘It’s traditional for a seer to be given her first Tarot cards. I’ve been playing with them for years, but never had my own deck. Gwen, did you want a reading?’ 

‘I suppose. Do I have to do anything?’ 

‘I’ll tell you,’ Morgana nodded reassuringly, lighting a stick of incense. 

‘She’s good,’ Morgause said as Morgana began to shuffle, eyes closed and breathing slowly. ‘Not to raise your expectations or anything.’

‘Just touch the deck, and try and concentrate on looking into the future,’ Morgana said, once she had finished shuffling. 

Gwen cautiously did so, wondering what exactly she was supposed to be looking for in the future. 

Morgana laid out seven cards in a chevron pattern. She looked across the spread, breathing steadily, hovering her hand over particular cards as if trying to _feel_ what they were saying. Gwen watched her as she worked, studying the cards, her lips moving slightly as she made tiny calculations. 

‘Judgement,’ she said finally, starting at the card on Gwen’s left. ‘You’ve made incorrect assumptions in the past, but that’s only because people have wrongly judged you. Not you in particular, but something that you are, a part of your character. You’ve been too quick to believe other people have told you, even about yourself.’ 

Morgana moved onto the next card. 

‘The nine of wands. At the moment, you’re a little anxious. You tend to be too concerned about the worst case scenario, but the thing that you’re most worried about is all in your head,’ Morgana smiled reassuringly. ‘You’re imagining it. Don’t let things overwhelm you, because if you take your time and stop to look at them, you’ll see that they’re not that important.’ 

Morgana frowned at the next card. 

‘The three of cups. You’ve been avoiding something, but it’s about to hit you, hard and soon. It’s a good thing, though, and in time, you’ll be happy about it.’ 

Gwen watched Morgana stretch forward to gesture towards the centre card, the one nearest Gwen. Her top wasn’t that low-cut, but even so, Gwen could see enough to make her shift her gaze abruptly to the card in question. 

‘The five of pentacles. I’d say you weren’t having a happy spread, Gwen, but it’s not actually true- this is a really interesting spread. This card tells me where you need to go next: you need to reach out and trust in what you find. With what’s come up in the last few cards, you’re probably concerned, but there’s no need. You have everything you need.’ 

Her hand moved to the next card. 

‘Ten of Spades. This backs up the message to have trust that you got from the last card, but more importantly, tells you to put that trust in yourself. The message you might be getting from the wider world –television and so on- is, quite clearly, from these cards, just not good enough. You are the most important thing, Gwen.’ 

Morgana smiled as she reached the next card, and looked up at Gwen. 

‘This one’s very interesting.’ 

‘What is it?’ 

‘The Queen of Swords. She represents your hopes and fears, the hope so bright you daren’t even dream about it, and the thing you fear so much that you can’t even bring yourself to think about it. And it’s so very interesting.’ 

Gwen could see Morgana’s excitement, but she was afraid of what this card might show her. 

‘Gwen, the thing you want most of all is honesty. Not just the truth, but a brutal honesty. And the only way you’re going to do that is if you face your fear.’ 

‘What is it?’ Gwen repeated. 

‘Gwen, look at the card. Look at the Queen of Swords. She’s a strong woman, with dark hair and dark eyes, with incredible energy. Gwen, the thing you’re most afraid of is yourself.’ 

She was a little shell-shocked. Gwen turned to Morgause, hoping to see a similar expression, but instead, Morgause seemed to have found Morgana’s interpretation incredibly interesting, and was looking at Gwen like she’d seen her properly for the first time. 

‘The last card,’ Gwen asked. ‘What does that mean?’ 

Morgana looked where Gwen was pointing, and suddenly looked worried. 

‘The High Priestess,’ she trailed, before steadying herself, resolute. ‘I suppose I’ve gone too far to stop now. The High Priestess wants you to listen to your heart, to do what your feelings tell you. She’s a sexual card as well. You’re currently… incredibly sexually attractive to others.’

Morgana looked up at Gwen as she said it, their eyes meeting with a jolt. She looked down again just as quickly.

‘You need to pay close attention to what you really want. The High Priestess embodies femininity and female sexuality. You have power Gwen, great power. Use it wisely.’ 

Morgana gathered up the spread and shuffled the cards back together. 

‘That was very exciting, Morgana,’ Morgause smiled. ‘Your best yet, I’d say.’ 

‘They were Gwen’s cards,’ Morgana shrugged, packing the deck away into a black velvet pouch. ‘I was just reading them.’ 

‘I should probably get back in time for dinner,’ Gwen dragged herself on to her feet, still waiting for Morgana to make eye-contact again, not knowing if she really wanted her to look or not. 

‘Yeah. Thanks for coming out with us today, anyway,’ Morgause replied, either oblivious, or attempting to disguise, the tension that had arisen between the two other girls. 

‘No worries,’ Gwen smiled, the expression not quite reaching her voice. ‘See you tomorrow.’

She nearly ran home. 

~ ~ ~ 

Gwen washed her face in the basin in the corner of her room. She needed to calm down. It was just this school, it was just this bloody school. No it wasn’t. She’d always thought about it, always. She never acted on it because she thought that perhaps other people have these thoughts and perhaps they don’t act on them either. 

But she couldn’t leave it alone any longer. The brush of Morgana’s hand wasn’t awkward, it was electric. She didn’t want to recoil at her touch any more, she wanted to fall into it. Morgana was the sort of woman that poets write about. Gwen wasn’t a poet by any measure, but Morgana made her want to be. 

Before she knew what she was doing, she had looked Calfan up again, this time not bothering with their childish speculation, but instead seeking out their clumsy adolescent fiction. She slipped into her pyjamas and pulled down the blinds. It was dark enough at that time of year to sleep, but Gwen didn’t want to sleep. 

She rooted through the synopses, looking for one with as few spelling and punctuation mistakes as possible, in order that she wasn’t distracted from her aim by needing to correct them too much. She didn’t much care for plot, either. 

When Gwen was finished, and her laptop discarded, she found herself for the first time being contented by what she’d just done. There could never be anything wrong with being attracted to Morgana. She cleaned herself up at the basin and got ready for bed, not to sleep, but just to lie awake and think. 

A while later - Gwen couldn’t be sure how long – Freya burst through the door. 

‘Gwen, are you-’ 

She began to retreat, thinking Gwen asleep, but Gwen stopped her. 

‘It’s alright, I’m not asleep.’ 

She flicked a switch and blinked, grateful for the slow warm-up of the bulb. 

‘I was going to ask if you were coming to dinner?’ 

Gwen rubbed her eyes. 

‘I wasn’t going to, no. Any chance we could just sit in your room and eat Super Noodles?’ 

Freya half-smiled. She knew when her friend was having a rough day. 

‘That’d be absolutely fine.’ 

Gwen twirled her fork around in the bowl, grateful for the warmth of the sticky-textured noodles. 

‘What’s up?’ Freya asked eventually. 

‘I’m a little confused about something, I suppose,’ Gwen admitted. 

Freya let Gwen take her time, find the words. 

‘I’m… I think I’m attracted to girls. I’m definitely attracted to _a_ girl. Not you, don’t worry about that,’ Gwen added. ‘I just don’t know… how I’m supposed to know.’ 

‘What do you want to know?’ 

‘Well… am I a lesbian?’ Gwen asked. 

Freya looked thoughtful. 

‘Do you think you’re a lesbian?’ 

‘I have no idea,’ Gwen said unhappily. ‘Sometimes. When I think about… this girl. Other times before that too, just finding myself attracted to girls, women. But then… I’ve had boyfriends. I’ve had sex, I’ve enjoyed it. I’m attracted to men as well.’ 

‘So you’re bisexual?’ Freya asked. 

‘What, no! I’m not like that,’ Gwen shook her head. 

‘Not like what?’ 

Freya seemed puzzled. 

‘Well, I just don’t… I’d rather have a meaningful relationship, you know? I’m not solely motivated by sex. I’d want to make an emotional connection.’ 

‘So why couldn’t you?’ 

‘I can. I just need to know whether I’m straight, or whether I might be… a lesbian.’ 

Freya set her bowl on the floor and shuffled over to Gwen, pulling her into a hug. 

‘Oh, Gwen. Don’t worry.’ 

‘I _am_ worried. What if I have a relationship with someone, say it’s a man. What if I end up getting married, having kids- and then I figure out I was actually gay the whole time?’ 

‘That won’t happen.’ 

‘How do you know?’ 

‘Because you’re not gay.’ 

That hurt. Who was Freya to say that? She didn’t know how Gwen felt. When she looked into Morgana’s eyes, it was like she knew everything she would ever need to know. She had felt the warmth of the girl’s body lying next to hers, and if she couldn’t have that again, she would still dream of it, day and night. 

‘Gwen, I think you’re probably, and I mean 98 to 99 percent probably, bisexual.’ 

‘Why are you saying that?’ 

Gwen wanted to cry. She wasn’t like that. She just wasn’t like that. 

Freya let go of her and fixed her with a stern expression. 

‘Because I think it’s true. And I don’t know if you’ve got crossed wires or something – I have no idea what the _fuck_ you think bisexual means. But Gwen, you’ve just sat there and told me you’re attracted to men and you’re also attracted to women. That the de-fucking-nition of bisexual. Tell me, Gwen, why I’m wrong.’ 

She spoke in an impassioned murmur, looking at the terrified Gwen, forcing her to come to her senses. 

‘I just want one person. I want to live with one person for the rest of my life. I want a family, 2.4 kids, the rest of it.’ 

‘Why have you got to deny that you like _both_ men and women in order to have that?’ 

‘Because,’ Gwen said quietly, fighting back tears. ‘I can’t spend my life with a woman and find that I’m still thinking about guys.’ 

‘You don’t have to act on it. I like men. I like all men: blonds, black guys, guys with a bit of stubble. But if I end up settling down with a clean-shaven Japanese man, that doesn’t mean that’s the only type of man I can be attracted to. You can stay with one person every day of your life. They’re always going to be the most handsome, fantastic person you know. But it doesn’t stop you from feeling attraction.’ 

‘But…’ 

‘But nothing, Gwen. You’re you. Be who you are, enjoy being attracted to who you’re attracted to. Embrace it. You’re bi. Say it. Come out, now, in here.’ 

Gwen wiped her eyes, half smiling. 

‘I can’t. Everyone always says-’ 

‘Fuck them. They can call you promiscuous, they can call you indecisive, they can call you a namby-pamby liberal- let them. It doesn’t change who you are. Say it.’ 

Biting her lip, Gwen took a deep breath and looked at the floor. 

‘I’m bixexual,’ she whispered. 

‘Louder, Gwen.’ 

‘I’m bisexual,’ she said aloud. She sniffed. ‘I’m bisexual, and it’s not going away.’ 

‘Great,’ Freya smiled. ‘Glad we got that one cleared up. Chocolate digestive?’ 

~ ~ ~ 

Morgana wasn’t in the form room next morning. 

‘She’s ill,’ Morgause told Gwen, not entirely convincingly. ‘Getting some rest.’ 

Gwen’s Thursday morning timetable was free, and the little staff entrance that the sisters had shown her yesterday was calling to her. She could slip out and be at Aithusa in ten minutes if she took the back streets. 

‘Is there a florist nearby?’ Gwen asked. 

‘A florist? On Mora Street. Why?’ 

Mora Street wasn’t too far. No more than a couple of minutes’ detour. 

‘Free morning,’ Gwen shrugged. ‘Cheer Gana up with some get-well flowers. Gardenias, maybe.’ 

‘Gardenias?’ Morgause smirked, watching Gwen carefully. ‘And sneaking out again, Gwen? Bloody hell, I didn’t think you had it in you.’

‘Well, I don’t know- if we were in a normal school, I’d still be in bed now. I don’t have any coursework; I may as well make use of my time.’

‘Well, yes. Yes. How did you know she likes gardenias? Or didn’t you?’ 

Gwen wasn’t exactly going to admit to gathering information from the Calfan troll. 

‘Pure coincidence. I’m glad she’ll like them.’ 

‘She’ll love them,’ Morgause nodded as the bell rang. ‘Well, off you go.’ 

Out the door with barely a hitch, Gwen suddenly felt like a bright red beacon in her uniform. It had barely stopped snowing that January, but she bundled her jumper into her bag anyway. 

She didn’t know what gardenias even looked like, but they were beautiful. Such open, pure-white flowers – she couldn’t help but contrast them to Morgana’s beautiful ebony hair, wonder how much more beautiful she would look with the flower pinned into her locks.

By the time she had punched the illicitly-obtained code into the back door of Aithusa House, Gwen was freezing, but her only thought was getting the flowers to Morgana. She made sure the cleaners weren’t around before knocking on the other girls’ door.

‘Ill,’ came the response.

‘Gana, it’s Gwen.’

‘I think it’s catching.’

‘I don’t care. Can I come in?’

A pause.

‘Fine.’

Gwen slipped open the door. 

‘I brought you flowers.’ 

Morgana was huddled in her duvet looking miserable, but when she spotted the flowers she smiled. 

‘Gardenias. My favourite.’ She frowned, ‘I suppose Morgause told you.’ 

Gwen shook her head. 

‘I just thought you might like them. She said you were ill, I had a free morning, so… I’m here.’ 

Morgana’s smile returned. She shuffled over on the bed to leave Gwen room, nodding at the space beside her. 

‘I thought you said it was catching?’ Gwen smirked, resting the flowers in the sink. 

‘It’s not _that_ catching,’ Morgana admitted. 

Gwen kicked off her shoes, and sat beside Morgana. They looked at each other and a moment passed between them. 

‘Gods,’ Morgana whispered. ‘You’re freezing.’ 

Without another word, she let Gwen into her bundled quilt. For a few minutes, they sat together in silence, Gwen soaking up Morgana’s warmth. 

‘Flowers,’ Morgana murmured, ‘have meanings. You brought me gardenias.’ 

‘What do they mean?’ Gwen asked. 

‘Gardenias mean “I secretly love you”. Gwen,’ Morgana asked slowly, ‘do you secretly love me?’ 

Gwen thought for a moment, not because she didn’t know the answer, but because she didn’t know how to say it. 

‘You know I can’t answer that,’ she replied eventually. 

‘Why not?’ 

Gwen looked into her eyes. 

‘Because then it wouldn’t be a secret any more.’ 

~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~


End file.
